Summer really is that time of year when nature decided that it is going to throw an assortment of horrors at mankind in an effort to truly rid itself of our species. Today, I tangled with what could be considered to be natures most numerous and fear inspiring assassins…The Wasp.
Like any wasp (or indeed other tiny winged beasty) hating family we employ measures to cull their number, most notably a jar with the insides smeared in something sweet and a filled with water and fairy liquid. We have already killed a decent number with this tactic. But sadly nothing is too deadly a deterrent for what has been labelled in the past ‘Nature’s version of chavs with knives’.
Today I encountered one of these black and yellow striped insurgents trying to assault me whilst I showered. Luckily I hadn’t gotten into the shower yet, but alas, I was entirely nude at the time so quite vulnerable to the beast’s sting!
I managed to duck its advances with lightening speed that only years of constant fear of these monstrosities can afford. I grabbed my shorts and threw them on (couldn’t get dressed entirely but I could protect the most important…and most delicate part of my body). I looked around for something to use as a weapon, seeing only a can of aerosol.
As nature’s soldier took another lunge at me I unloaded the can into its devilish little face. The beast reeled back, momentarily dazed by the heavenly scent of rose petals and lavender…or whatever petals go into the making of Glade’s ‘soft petals’ fragrance. It landed on the window to regain its composure. Now considering this fiend tried to assault me in my own home (and whilst I was at my most vulnerable no less) I wasn’t in the mood to give it a fair fight.
Whilst it was blinded I brought the can of aerosol around in a vicious arc that connected with the beasts’ head, smashing it firmly against the window. The smile was wiped from my face as I saw it stick there and wriggle about. I went for another lunge but it fell before I managed to connect and landed on the windowsill with a little bounce.
Like the true, undying war hero and manly man that I am, I called my mother in to finish off the abomination (laugh as you may, but I didn’t want to risk getting a thrust in the face from a rejuvenated and incredibly peeved wasp).
Upon investigation, she found that the wasp had vanished and only its sting remained. So for next month (I think the max life span is about twenty-two days but this one is resilient so I give it extra just in case) I will be living in fear of retribution…stingless retribution.
But we shall meet again, be it today, tomorrow or when I pass into the next life. He will be waiting for me, waiting with a passionate hatred. But it matters little, as I will just kill him again, he will still be smaller than me and will still be without a sting.
